Melancholy
Still. I’m lost, especially on such a day, the very last day of 2007.
It’s someone’s birthday. In the past 6 years WE spent TODAY together. But today, the ‘we’ doesn’t exist anymore. Feelings? Blank.
I went to a bar with a friend, then church. Sweet enough, I thought. Was there love? I didn’t know. Dare not to think. Better not to expect.
Confession. At the church, I reflected myself. My memories traveled from the past to now; from work to relationships; from strangers to friends; from ups to downs… My heart was heavy, yet I felt thankful. The lighting of candles was a kind of release: looking forward to a brighter tomorrow. Perhaps there was also another message to me: to unload the burden. After a warm and peaceful counting down, a new year, 2008 had finally arrived and I had confessed myself to make him my solely saviour.
Whilst my last few hours of 2007 were soaked up in peace, harmony and warmth, the newborn hours of 2008, however, had set me to the extreme.
The place. The flirt suddenly made me suck so much. I felt like I didn’t belong there. I felt like I had disappeared. I was isolated by jealousy and envy. There were too much thoughts weighing in mind-too messy… all blurred my faith.
Or have I? Have I ever had faith in these human beings around me? I wonder. I’m now pondering on the affairs that I’m lingering on. They were illusions, short-term substitutes and pseudo-romance created by my unconscious self.
Feeling suffocated, I left the bar, which had been causing too many contradictions in my feelings in these weeks and hours and had a long walk somewhere. I didn’t know where I was heading to but I didn’t want to stay there anyway.
To quit was the only choice I had. To quit was to protest. I needed attention. I needed love. Though my physical part had departed from the bar, my mind was still running the last few pictures captured with jealousy and hatred. Those unwelcoming words were still crashing into my ears liked thunders. What the hell was I doing there? Was there a message with these newborn hours from God whom I just confessed myself to believe in? Upon love affairs, I told myself to have a new look for myself. ‘LET IT BE’, ‘EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED’ and ‘NEVER SAY NEVER’ have all been added as my recent mottos. Ridiculously, I am not achieving anything. I handled things well. I thought. But the truth was that, I didn’t.
Now. I guess this is what I can do when I’m so down and helpless:
“Loving God, tonight I stand in the threshold of the past and the future.
I look back at the passing year and learn from it; for our joys and laughter, for life’s many surprises and victories, I thank you. For helping me make it through my pains and sorrows, my failures and defeats, I thank you. Whatever remains unresolved in my hearts, I lay them before you in hope trusting in your faithfulness. I now recall the lighting of candles as an act of thanksgiving and as an expression of my unfailing trust in you. Amen.”
xxx2008.
